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Archive for the category “feeling uncomfortable”

Daily Ground – – -January 28

We are so unused to emotion that we mistake any depth of feeling for sadness, any sense of the unknown for fear, and any sense of peace for boredom – – -Mark Nepo

This past October, I walked out onto the deck with a cup of coffee and experienced the sun a little lower in the sky, the leaves dark red, and a chill in the air. It was beautiful. I recall feeling heavy hearted. Heavy. Grounded. Intense. I just sat there.

For a brief moment I mistook this feeling for depression or sadness. I had recently come out of several dark years and I was afraid the recent reprieve was over. As I continued to sit, I realized this was simply a feeling. A deep, intense feeling.

I’ve often been moved to tears by beauty.  I’ve often felt heavy with strong emotion – even joy.  So I sat and simply felt. I sat until I was okay with what I was feeling. I didn’t label myself dark or depressed or weird because of the way I experience beauty or love or pain or Autumn. Then I got up. I got another cup of coffee and began the day.

Peace.

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Daily Ground- – -January 23

If I tell you, “You are beautiful,” does that make you feel good? If I tell you, “I hate your shirt,” does that make you feel sad?  Although it is difficult, I’ve learned that if I become attached to the world’s compliments and successes, I will become attached to the world’s insults and failures. Both are sure to come. If I am grounded in myself – who I am in this moment, then what the world thinks of me can’t make me feel better or worse in this moment.

When people compliment or insult me – it has much more to do with them, than it does with me! It is something in them that causes them to give an insult or compliment. In reality I have no business caring about it one way or the other.

Sounds good but it takes practice, practice, practice.

Peace.

Beginnings

Beginnings don’t just come on January 1st or the first day of school, or your first day married, etc.  Beginnings can happen with each new breathe. If we allow it.  I am old enough to know that resolutions come and go, and if I truly want to change, it takes work, commitment, support, self-love, and lots of leaning into the pain that comes with change. I don’t need a special date for this, I can start anytime, and I often do,

I began writing everyday last year around this time.  Unfortunately it wasn’t on a blog; it was text messages sent to about 25 friends.  I get up in the morning, sit quietly, and try to have a conscious contact with God (Higher Power, Inner Peace, Universe, Spirit – insert whatever word you need here to get the point). This act has helped me be kinder on some days. It has helped me create space between my feelings and those of others, it has helped me get perspective on baffling situations and circumstances.  An added bonus is that a few of the receivers let me know it helps them some days too.

Because most daily prayer/reflection type of books begin on January 1st, I am choosing today to do something new.  This is also very scary, because I may not finish.  I may just complete today’s entry and no more.  But then again – maybe – just maybe – I’ll lean into the  pain that is commitment and discipline and actually start a new habit that is life-giving. Maybe I’ll simply do something everyday instead of thinking about the doing and getting side-tracked in the pain and judgment of not being enough.  I’m just jumping in . . .1. . . .2. . . 3:

January 1st:

Begin. . .

Begin doing nothing.  I dare you.  Take the challenge – do it today.  Just sit.  Set a timer for 5 minutes and watch what happens.  Don’t judge, don’t move – just sit.  When thoughts come – watch them – are they thoughts about the past? Are they thoughts about the future? Just watch them and come right back to now.

This may sound easy or it may sound excruciating.  I promise you – if you do this long enough or for many days in row – it will be both easy and excruciating. So often we get so attached to doing and doing and doing. Sometimes we are afraid to do nothing because we are then left with our human beingness – with our thoughts and feelings. We judge ourselves and we wonder how others will judge us if we just sit and feel.

Just for today – be a human being – not a human doing.

Peace.

Lost in Transition

I’ve been a bit out of sorts lately.  Everything seems to have shifted.  For so much of my adult life, I’ve been very busy.  I moved across country and back, got married, purchased homes, had children, raised families, got degrees, got jobs, quit jobs, got other jobs, got other degrees, took care of dying people, buried people, birthed friendships, buried friendships. You get the point.

At 35, I was living in Utah in a recently purchased home with my soulmate husband, my 2 and a half year old, and the baby in my womb. The baby was due on October 31st, and I was nearing the due date. I got a call from Maryland that my mom’s husband went to work and had a massive heart attack.  I think my mom must have called me, but I remember talking to my sister-in-law and my sister too. It was devastating for all.

I called my husband at work and could barely speak – the receptionist thought for sure I was in labor when she gave Jeff the call. The call was about death – not life.  I couldn’t go the 2000 miles for the funeral being 9 months pregnant so I went through the process at a distance. It was difficult not being there; not being closer, and I think that is when I was pulled back home.

My mom and her husband were lovely folks; they lived in the moment and showered their grand-children with tons of gifts. However, when Frank died, there was no insurance, and my mom had no Plan B. My family and I moved in with her about 8 months after his death, and a year later we all purchased a home together.

Life really took off once we all settled into it.  Mom lived with us and shared much of the load. She was able to help with the kids, the cleaning, the laundry, and the gardens. The kids grew, she aged, people began dying, and eventually mom left us last October.  I’ve been out of sorts lately.

I have two jobs.  My day job is in a school and follows the school calendar; the other is a small private practice that keeps me busy in the evenings.  But it’s summer, so I’ve got some time on my hands from the day job.  I’m usually productive – cleaning, working, socializing.  But I feel kind of lost this summer.  I don’t want to clean or work. I want to sit on a beach, I want to watch baseball.  I want to move. For so long it seemed life was pulling me along. I didn’t really have to make choices – things just happened. I was living with and for others – taking care of parents and kids and not thinking much about it. Now this transition.

Everyday – it just seems like the rug has been pulled out from under me – like everything is shifting – like I just don’t know my place in the world. The worst part of all this is I do!  I do know my place, I am on solid ground – the place just changes and that is okay – normal even  – but the feelings – they hold me captive. Running helps – a lot – just getting out of my head and into my body.

I realized the other day – I have some freedom right now.  I don’t really want to clean or take care of this home anymore – I really want to move.  I could never have  moved as long as mom was here – I didn’t want to, and it wasn’t an option.  But suddenly this house feels strange to me.  Too big, too much work.

I turn 50 in a month. My kids are looking at colleges. My mom died. Yesterday was my dad’s birthday. The economy stinks. I want to move. I don’t want to take care of the house. Running helps.  I’m not needed in the same ways I have been for so very long. No one is dying (actually everyone is dying).  I’m being held captive.  What to do?

I will sit still.  I will wait.  I will breathe, and write, and ask for help when needed. I will try so very hard not to judge myself for not wanting to clean this house.  I will not judge myself for feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin after so much work to feel comfortable in my own skin. I will have faith.  I will have faith that it is possible – no – probable – that in an hour I won’t feel like this at all – that I will be hiking in the woods with a friend wondering what the big deal was.  I will feel comfortable in my own skin. There are no big deals.

I will tell myself the things I would tell others.  I am in a new place. I have never been in this place before.  It is okay to feel uncomfortable.  Most people feel uncomfortable. I will wait.  I will wait.  I will wait. I am so very happy I have learned to wait.  I am blessed to know how to wait. I won’t numb (except with my passion/obsession with the Orioles), I won’t run from this by giving into it and buying a house in this mess.  I will go hiking. I will have dinner. Heck – I might even clean the house.

Peace.

 

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