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Archive for the category “Fall apart”

Running Away – Want to go?

I am a runner – although I rarely call myself one – I make excuses why I’m not really a runner.  I’m wimpy, I don’t LOVE it (except when I do), I have only ever run 6 miles, sometimes I walk.  But one thing I am usually pretty good at is running away from my feelings.  But they catch up to me and I am one big ball of snot and tears, and I can’t figure out why I’m crying.

Today is that day. It’s Tuesday at noon and I am in bed.  My head is killing me and I spent 2 unproductive hours running around work trying not to cry.  I eventually came home. I work in a school, and I really don’t like the students or other visitors to see me crying so I usually stay in my office.  My colleagues there – I’m not so worried about, because I’m certain they have felt like crying before.  Adults get it – – – except some of them don’t!

Once  a few years ago I was crying in my office (away from students) about 3 days after my brother (who was only in his 50’s) died suddenly.  A colleague/friend was with me, and an adult walked in the room and said, “What’s the matter!?!?”  I said, “My brother died.”  She said, “Oh my God, your other brother?” As if, after 3 days, I shouldn’t be crying over this loss.

This sadness today has been brewing. But I have been too stubborn to simply sit and let it steep.  Nooooo, I had to keep running.  Sunday I was headed to a spiritual gathering.  I was so heavy with sadness, and I started thinking how peaceful and joyous I felt just a week ago. So I start with the bad talk, “What is your problem? Look around at the beautiful tress, and feel the breeze.  There is nothing wrong – stop feeling like this!”  It’s been brewing.

I started leaking yesterday, but today was full force!  The worse thing is – I tried to work. Things got complicated. I began crying, and the person I was with said, “Are you still in therapy?”  I really just wanted to scream!  There is so much to be sad about that I think people who don’t cry are the ones who are unstable! Granted – if we all went around crying all the time – that wouldn’t be good, but most folks know I’ve had multiple losses in the past year or two, so crying is the norm – – -sometimes.

I did receive a blessing. My boss needed something from me as I was leaking. She came in my office and asked if I was okay.  I shook my head.  She asked, “Is there anything I can do?” Again, I shook my head, but this time I said, “I just wish I could keep it together!”  She gave me a hug and said, “You keep it together 99% of the time. Why don’t you just go home and fall apart.  I’ll see you tomorrow” I didn’t even have to make up some problem or explain – she didn’t judge me on my falling apart – she actually judged me on the whole shebang! The whole kit and caboodle (is any of that spelled right?). Falling apart is simply a moment – it does not define me.

I’m not good at this coming home to fall apart.  I am actually all cried out, and my head hurts so I will try to sleep.  But writing helps.  It gets it out, and I am hoping that someone reading this someday will simply let themselves fall apart.  Fall apart – for God sakes.  Just do it.  If you are too afraid to fall apart – borrow my faith! You must have the faith to know you will be back together again soon – laughing, enjoying the sunshine, and feeling the breeze.  So go fall apart, and I’ll see you tomorrow!

And – if you aren’t the one who needs to fall apart, but you are in the presence of someone who does – PLEASE, PLEASE just let them! It is a gift that cannot be repaid. It is God working through you.

Peace.

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