I am a runner – although I rarely call myself one – I make excuses why I’m not really a runner. I’m wimpy, I don’t LOVE it (except when I do), I have only ever run 6 miles, sometimes I walk. But one thing I am usually pretty good at is running away from my feelings. But they catch up to me and I am one big ball of snot and tears, and I can’t figure out why I’m crying.
Today is that day. It’s Tuesday at noon and I am in bed. My head is killing me and I spent 2 unproductive hours running around work trying not to cry. I eventually came home. I work in a school, and I really don’t like the students or other visitors to see me crying so I usually stay in my office. My colleagues there – I’m not so worried about, because I’m certain they have felt like crying before. Adults get it – – – except some of them don’t!
Once a few years ago I was crying in my office (away from students) about 3 days after my brother (who was only in his 50’s) died suddenly. A colleague/friend was with me, and an adult walked in the room and said, “What’s the matter!?!?” I said, “My brother died.” She said, “Oh my God, your other brother?” As if, after 3 days, I shouldn’t be crying over this loss.
This sadness today has been brewing. But I have been too stubborn to simply sit and let it steep. Nooooo, I had to keep running. Sunday I was headed to a spiritual gathering. I was so heavy with sadness, and I started thinking how peaceful and joyous I felt just a week ago. So I start with the bad talk, “What is your problem? Look around at the beautiful tress, and feel the breeze. There is nothing wrong – stop feeling like this!” It’s been brewing.
I started leaking yesterday, but today was full force! The worse thing is – I tried to work. Things got complicated. I began crying, and the person I was with said, “Are you still in therapy?” I really just wanted to scream! There is so much to be sad about that I think people who don’t cry are the ones who are unstable! Granted – if we all went around crying all the time – that wouldn’t be good, but most folks know I’ve had multiple losses in the past year or two, so crying is the norm – – -sometimes.
I did receive a blessing. My boss needed something from me as I was leaking. She came in my office and asked if I was okay. I shook my head. She asked, “Is there anything I can do?” Again, I shook my head, but this time I said, “I just wish I could keep it together!” She gave me a hug and said, “You keep it together 99% of the time. Why don’t you just go home and fall apart. I’ll see you tomorrow” I didn’t even have to make up some problem or explain – she didn’t judge me on my falling apart – she actually judged me on the whole shebang! The whole kit and caboodle (is any of that spelled right?). Falling apart is simply a moment – it does not define me.
I’m not good at this coming home to fall apart. I am actually all cried out, and my head hurts so I will try to sleep. But writing helps. It gets it out, and I am hoping that someone reading this someday will simply let themselves fall apart. Fall apart – for God sakes. Just do it. If you are too afraid to fall apart – borrow my faith! You must have the faith to know you will be back together again soon – laughing, enjoying the sunshine, and feeling the breeze. So go fall apart, and I’ll see you tomorrow!
And – if you aren’t the one who needs to fall apart, but you are in the presence of someone who does – PLEASE, PLEASE just let them! It is a gift that cannot be repaid. It is God working through you.