There – I said it! I really do want to be perfect! Not in the Barbie Doll kind of way with the pink corvette, swimming pools, and the blonde hair. But perfect in the way I feel. I want to be perfect in my faith. I want to trust that all will be well, and when it isn’t well, it will pass. I want to sit perfectly with my feelings until they rise to the surface and I can name them, look at them, be comfortable with them, and then let them go. Instead when feelings start rising, I get on Facebook, or pick up the phone to chat, or check the bank account balance, or begin cleaning.
Instead of being perfect, I suffer. Why do I suffer? Because I want to be perfect! I don’t want to worry about my daughter’s headache and dizziness. I don’t want to worry about my other daughter’s spending time alone in her room. I don’t want to worry about how my husband and I will find each other again when these daughters are gone in just a few short years. I want to know that God will handle this. I want to have faith that the Universe will handle all things, and I can let go and lean in. I know that leaning in will not cause as much pain as fighting the feelings that arise.
I want to be okay with a nightmarish past. I want to sit in the presence and know all I have is this moment. I’ve recently discovered that sometimes being present keeps me from looking at a past that needs to be looked at in order to heal. The real trick is – to look at it with all that I am now. Integrating ourselves to be fully whole and fully present is the way to peace. But therein lies the suffering. I can work to integrate wholeness in myself – the same way I sit with others so they can move to integrate wholeness. It’s a process, it isn’t at all perfect.
What choice do I have? I sit. I trust. I move forward. I keep going. I quiet my mind by focusing on the breathe, and the moments pass, the anxiety lifts. In the light – all things look different.