Daily Ground – – -February 26
It’s still February!
I don’t mind winter – even this winter in Maryland. We’ve had a lot of snow and bitter cold and freezing rain. I don’t mind it really. It’s February, and I am tired. Even though it’s really cold again, I’ve noticed the sun a lot more lately – meaning – the days are indeed getting longer. But, it is still February.
A funny thing happened to me over the last several years – – -I’ve lost track. I’ve lost track of time. I know it’s February, and I know spring is coming, but most days I really need to ask, “What is today?” I would not be surprised if today I asked that and someone said, “It’s March 10th.” Seriously, I’d say, “Okay.” I’m not sure how this happened, but I believe it has something to do with death.
My only sister died on April 10, 2010. Ever since then I tend to write the year as 2009 more often than not. I am constantly correcting it. It’s as if I still want to pretend it’s before Terrie died. My life kind of is broken up in 2 parts – before my family began dying and after. I’m living in the after, but I’ve lost track.
After Terrie died in April, my mom and brother both died in 2012. Just writing that last sentence took me 5 or 6 minutes – to do the math. I’ve lost track. I’ve moved on in so many ways. I’ve experienced joy again since these deaths. But I’m different. Thank God I’m different! How awful would it be to have your family – your history – die and me not be different. In some way – I’m glad I’ve lost track. I’m glad there is a significant “something” that is different about me in the after.
I’ve lost track. And losing track has made February not so much different than April. April will come, and most likely I’ll be here to notice that the days have lengthened. I bet I’m still cold and tired in April and asking what day it is.